This is beyond crazy, and probably inappropriate...

[Maru]

....But here goes.

I'm completely terrified of talking about this to my friends here in Virginia, because I think they'd find me even more of a basket case that I already am. I've been a member of these boards for a few years now, and I value the opinions of the members more highly than any of you could imagine. I just don't know where to vent right now. This will seem completely unorganized and all over the place, but these paragraphs will eventually fit into place.

For the last two years, I've lived in Philadelphia for school. Last year, I was so excited to come home for winter and summer breaks that I ticked the days off on three different calendars. This year, I'm out of the dorms and living by myself in a small apartment, with my newly aquired kitten and best friend, Seido.

Now, I came home for winter break a few days ago. It's been almost a week, come Friday. It's been hard for me, since my little sister has moved back in to my father's house, after being kicked out of our mother's place up in PA. My father is so bent on making up for lost time and healing her wounds, that he's completely disregarded my pressence and making me feel unwanted and unloved. After all of the stress from school, this is not helping me relax. I had a breakdown in front of him and my step mom today, over the smallest frigg'n thing.

My two best friends up in Philadelphia, Kate and Beck, are supposed to watch over my kitten at their place, which is only a few blocks away. Seido has been there a few times, and even stayed with them for a few days over my Thanksgiving Break. He acted really weird towards me after I took him back home, but I figured it was only because he missed playing with Kate and Beck's cat, Maho. Now I've come to conclusion that he felt abandoned.

My best friend back here, Noor, came up to get me Friday night. We (Noor, my college friend, Noor's sister, and I) were going to leave in the morning for VA, and I was going to bring my little boy over to Kate and Beck's to stay for the month (Dec. 17th - Jan. 10th). However, Noor got a call about a family emergency and we had to leave that night. I left the key to my apartment with my friend, a letter to K and B, and we were gone.

I come home to a LiveJournal post (Beck's), basically saying that I'm a horrible friend and a bad person, and she "needs a dose of good friendship". She doesn't say it outright, but I can read between the f-ing lines. They aren't returning my phone calls, they aren't replying to my e-mails... Nothing.

Just now, I logged on to my LJ account (I can't sleep, obviously) and found a picture of my kitten on my friend's page.

I broke down. I got nervous, twitchy, really hot, and almost started to cry. Now, I never cry. Ever. That's why this trip back home and the image of my boy is so frigg'n weird.

Am I totally crazy for feeling this way? I mean, all I want to do is go back home to Philly, where I live completely alone with Seido. I feel insane... I can't sleep, I have barely eaten anything, I'm losing weight like hell (which is especially bad, since I'm already borderlining underweight), and all I can think about is how much I miss my cat.

Ungh. I'm really sorry for posting this, but it's 6 in the morning.. My friends would be so pissed if I called and woke them up, and I'll seriously explode if I sit on these emotions.

Mickey, you can baleet this if you feel I shouldn't have brought this crap here. I would totally understand.

[Sonic#]

Unless another admin says otherwise, it's fine if this is here, as long as you do.

But... I've had to read through it a couple of times, and I think it's making sense to me now. It seems like there's a couple of things going on to make you feel miserable. First, you were probably expecting to come home and find yourself welcomed, paid some attention to. Your sister, through no fault of her own, has taken that away from you. So you feel neglected, naturally.

And you have Kate and Beck, who through a misunderstanding have perceived you to be negligent. You know you're not, and want to explain it, but they've turned a deaf ear so far. Frustrating to not be given a fair chance to explain yourself, that you had to leave in a rush because your friend needed to. In their eyes, you weren't the good friend, but I think you made a choice as you had to. Hopefully they'll come to realize that.

And then you come to realize that perhaps you've made Seido feel the same way. He felt abandoned last time. This time... maybe you think you and he feel the same way, and it'd be best if you two were together, instead of both of you feeling unloved apart.

If I can make sense of it like that, then no, you're not crazy. Distraught, yes. Needing a hug, yes. You miss your cat, you miss the way things were with your dad in past years... a lot to miss.

If you continue losing weight and sleep over it though... I suggest you talk to someone who could help you there. It's no mental illness to feel. If the disruption in your life becomes too great though... then something should be done to help.

[drumlord]

Just to start, I'm not giving advice here. Just saying something sort of on a sidenote related to these types of situations.

You don't owe a certain attitude to your friends or family. When you are in a rutt is when you most need your friends and if they perceive that as a bad thing and feel like they need to look elsewhere for friendship, they just aren't being friends. Friendship isn't about being there for each other when everybody is happy and cheery. That's what acquaintences are for. That's what workplace friends are for. Your true friends are the ones that see you down and try to bring you back up and I'm sure that even applies to some people on this board.

But again, not giving advice. I don't pretend to know you or friends and I'm not trying to be insulting and suggest they aren't friends, which would just be presumptuous of me.

Oh also, I hate when people ignore phone calls and emails. Anybody who wants to be that childish I don't bother contacting any more.

[DaWrestla]

I honestly suggest forcing yourself to eat. That may sound a little crass, but not starving means you will feel better. Trust me, I know. Girl problems my freshman year of college. I couldn't eat anything for quite some time, but eventually I realized that was only making things worse, so I had to force myself.

Eat.

[Maru]

Sonic - You pretty much hit the nail on the head... I called Kate today when I was out shopping, and we talked for awhile about what happened. She understood, but Beck didn't. She's over sensitive, and took it as a personal insult that I didn't come over. She (Beck) was supposed to call me after work today so we could talk about it,but she didn't. Whatever.

Concerning the cat, I feel better about that, too. Kate told me that she's never seen a cat act so affectionately to a human being as Seido does towards me, even after the brief separation. I'm never leaving him for this long again, so things will be okay.

Thanks alot. :3

Drumlord - You're completely right. Beck has seen m ups and downs, but I don't think she understands that being mad at one another is a part of friendship. Hopefully she'll get it before she ends up hating me forever... :/

DaWrestla - I ate today? Finally. I felt sick after the fact, but more energetic and less depressed. Now time to work on sleep...

[GhaleonOne]

Hey, don't worry about posting something like this. In fact, I almost posted some of my own holiday family problems yesterday, but just didn't have the time to vent properly.

I'll try and give a more proper longer response when I'm a bit less tired tomorrow though.

[Maru]

Phew... Good.. I was worried you were gonna be like WTF OMG TAKE YOUR PWN PERSONAL BAGGAGE AND BLOG IT, HO!

^^;;

[phyco126]

I'm late, sorry. But let me tell you, I got my phone turned back on and it doesn't matter if it's 3:00 AM, 6:00 AM, 10:00 PM, or any other time in the day. You can call me and talk, if you want. Just be sure to call twice or three times if I don't answer immediately, as I may accidently reject the call out of habit.

[Maru]

I'm still not sleeping, so chances are, any time you call me I'll be awake. xD

I'll call you sometime this week or after the 10th. My service is sketch here, but when I get back home, I'll have SO MANY BARS LOL

:/

[Eternal Blue Hiro]

I'm a month late, but hey, I'd still like to at least show I care.

It really sucks that you were neglected. A few years ago, that would have drove me crazy.

Going back home after being gone for awhile is difficult. It brings back feelings that aren't the same as you're used to. You're expecting to be looked at as an adult, but at the same time treated like a member of the family and kept close. If that doesn't happen it's a huge let down.

I hardly talk to my family more, but because of preference. All they do is pressure me into coming home, which I don't feel like doing. The last time I went it was very similar to your situation, with me being more of a burden. It throws an extra gear into the machine, which just bounces around.

Not to say that you're a piece of oddly shaped metal, but it's a bad analogy. I just wanted to try and throw some of my thoughts about it down here.

Sorry I'm a month late Maruchan.

[Maru]

Regardless, you are wonderful.