Rant/Vent in T-Minus 5...4...3...2...

[NallOne]

This is a monumental moment in my life.

...and I feel old.

Okay, so...there is this girl who is kind of my best friend, but kind of not. We were best friends all throughout childhood until we were 16, at which point due to things out of our control we kind of grew apart. And it has now been almost 5 years since we've seen each other, though we've kept in contact through e-mails, blogs and the very rare phonecall.

We also "dated" for about 7 years of our friendship, from the ripe ol' not-really-dating age of 8, until she moved away when we were 15.

The point?

I just got off the phone with her. The first time we've talked in over a month, because we were both really busy.

She's pregnant.

So?

Well shut up. I'm freaking out. Freaking out more than I thought I would ever freak out over a pregnancy, short of an immaculate conception.

I think it is because I haven't seen her since she was 16 years old. To me she is still an immature little girl with a long way to go before adulthood. To me she is still the geeky little Asian chick who I'd make out with in silence in hopes that Daddy wouldn't hear us. The geeky little girl I played barbies with. The geeky little girl who broke my heart and turned me gay.

And now that geeky little Asian CHILD is *having* a child of her own. It's blowing my freaking mind. And in some werid way...I feel pregnant. Like MY life is the one that is being effected by this.

Needless to say, my brain is mush right now. The only thing I'm really thinking about is fixing our broken-down relationship and meeting up, because I don't want to miss this pregnancy. This is something huge in my oldest friend's life and I want to be there every step of the way.

And then again...that is what her fiance (whom I have never met) is for. I don't want to step on his toes. I don't want ot be the catty gay friend from her past who shows up and plays Daddy.

..and then there is that too. Part of me...part of me in the deepest reachest of my core...that part of me that is still a silly heterosexual...wishes this was my baby. I mean we had those talks. Those talks about when we were "grown up". When we'd get married and have kids. We even came up with names. And now it's happening for her...but I'm not there. Then again, being gay and all, we'd have probably hit a snag when it came to the actual mechanics of reproduction...

RASFKDJFGJUHF.

</vent>

I feel slightly better. Though still old.

I also apologize if this is confusing or inappropriate or in any other way damaging or whatever. I just feel really @_@ and needed to get it out.

[phyco126]

Wow I... I don't know what to say. I mean, I've kinda been there, but not that deeply. I'm still straight, and it's not like the girl I'm about to mention is preggers or anything, hell, I wasn't even childhood friends.

My example, is in Middle school (8th grade) there was this girl that I fell for pretty hard. Of course, she was THE most popular girl in school. Fortunately, she was also very kind. So one day, I gave her a carefully typed letter and then went home for the weekend. We never dated, and she moved in the summer after our Freshman year in high-school, but we talked through letters and the handful of awkward phone calls.

So after she moves, a year passes and I am finally able to get ahold of her, only to find that she was married. Yeah, so much for thinking I was mostly over her. So in some small way, yeah, I can relate. Small. Very small. Like, microscopic I'm sure.

I just held my head high, and cried in my heart. I don't know what you should do, but perhapes some deep meditation will help? I'm finding that I'm relying on meditation and contemplation more and more these past few weeks, and it's helping a lot. It gets me past the stress at least, and gives me a chance to reflect.

Perhapes, another thing is find someone who has a punching bag, and vent your emotions on it. Trust me, you don't have to be mad, angry, pissed, or whatever to be able to beat the living crap out of an object. Sad, confused, stressed, upset, they all feed into your strength.

Sorry to hear that this is happening.

P.S. Sorry, but you know what? Suddenly this sounds like that movie "The Butterfly Effect" where he and that girl are childhood friends.

[NallOne]

Our situation is a little different than "The Butterfly Effect", but man do I wish I could backtrack and fix things.

I've always had serious self-esteem issues and social anxieties. I just don't like to leave the house and I hate being around people. So, for example, when she would have friends over...I wouldn't want to come, because I felt uncomfortable around them. That didn't help us seeing each other, and weeks became months. Months became years. We didn't mean to disconnect, it just sort of happened.

She also changed a lot. When we were close, she was very anti-drug, and she didn't really want to get married or have kids. It was something she expected to come late in her life. Like in her late 30s. She wanted to focus on her career as an artist. Then we get back into contact, and I find out that she is using drugs regularly and is engaged. It just made her seem like a different person.

Now she lives less than 20 minutes away, yet I've never gone to see her. It kind of has to do with my social phobias. To me, she has changed so much that she has become a stranger. And for me to go see her now would be like meeting someone for the first time, and so all my hang ups on that come along with it. Plus there would be meeting her fiance, and her new circle of friends.

Speaking of her new circle of friends, that is another thing. We were so close that it hurts to see he rarely mention me. In blogs, surveys..that sort of thing. It's always her NEW friends. I know I'm just being silly and I can't expect her to miss the old us as much as I do - while my life is horrible and I coop myself up in my room, she has a life. To me, the past was way better than now, but for her...this is the time of her life.

I don't know. The only thing I am sure of right now is that I need to look at this as a sign. A catalyst to fix my problems and get out in the world. If only so that I can reconnect with her. I want to be in this baby's life. More than I think I've ever wanted anything before. And I also want her back into my life. She was my pillar of strength. She forced me to face the world and forced me to go to school and be around people. When she left...I gave up. I dropped out of school, have avoided finding a job and even getting my license. I know that if she had been there it never would have happened, you know?

Anyway...

Sorry for airing my dirty laundry here. This is just a bit of a wake-up call and it is making me revisit issues I've tried to ignore for years.

[exigence]

i know how that feels, drifting apart from a friend. i had a vest friend since the first grade in our sophmore year of high school he wouldn't hang out, he wouldn't even sit with me and our other friends at lunch. it was over the course of a year he even stoped calling and emailing me. it felt weird whenever i saw him in the halls the next year, i dont think it had anything to do with drugs but i have had other friends who became diffrent people because of them. i wish i had tried harder to remain friends. maybe you could invite her out to lunch to talk about things, if i had tried somthing similar but not so girly i would still have my best friend.

[Benevolent_Ghaleon]

when you go quite a while without really "knowing" someone anymore....they change a lot. It sounds like she's just trying new things and figuring everything out for herself.

What exactly are you wanting? i understand the situation is a lot less than satisfactory, but how would you change it? more importantly, would it be sensible to want to change it? you need to be sure you care about her growth and experiences rather than just wanting to preserve what she was for you.

her fiancee would have to be one VERY insecure man to worry about YOU coming around, so i wouldn't let that slow me down since you're interested in seeing her again.

also, you need to work on making it -without- a pillar of strength to lean on. you'll be fine, dude.

[Alunissage]

I just have to say that this:

her fiancee would have to be one VERY insecure man

amuses me every time. It's like calling John Wayne an actress.

[Werefrog]

I just have to say that this:

her fiancee would have to be one VERY insecure man

amuses me every time. It's like calling John Wayne an actress.

Blah, French words. Most people who haven't studied French don't know there's a distinction between the two since they sound exactly the same in English (do they sound different in French? I'm not sure). I'm an exception. However, I have to look it up every time I write the word.

[exigence]

i dont get it are there two diffrent spellings depending on male or female. i only took spanish it just seemed more usefull.

¿donde esta la planta mi amigo del sol?

[Alunissage]

Yes, "fiancé" = male, "fiancée" = female.

[Benevolent_Ghaleon]

i consider french AND spanish to be auditory sodomy.

[Werefrog]

i consider french AND spanish to be auditory sodomy.

Well... that surely would make for an interesting twist on the phrase "Romance" language.

But yeah... I studied Spanish too. I must confess though that I'm unfamiliar with the phrase "amigo del sol." I mean... I know what it means literally, but I have no clue what it means in that context. I did a google search on it, but all it turned up was a language school. I also used Word Reference The best I could determine is that it refers to this meaning of sol: familiar eres un sol, you are an angel.

If there are any hispanoparlantes here, help would be appreciated.

Also, I apologize for hijacking this thread for a language discussion.

[NallOne]

Also, I apologize for hijacking this thread for a language discussion.

No hay problema.

[exigence]

its from a jefferson airplane song, its about the plant of the sun and nixon trying to stop its flow over the border.