Lunar Threads

http://issendai.livejournal.com/572510.html
Amazing read...

I realize I was definitely raised in a sick system. Having the epiphany doesn't free me from it though. The mentality is cancerous.

The big clue is the things I think about myself, the things I tell myself and my behavior...
I believe I am worthless and that I am the only person keeping some of my family on their feet. The only one who can take care of them. (namely my mother and the mother of my nephew and niece.) I become anxious and uneasy, overwhelmed by this feeling of dread and doom when things are going well. The longer the interim between tragedy/crisis the more neurotic I become until 1. something goes bad 2. I screw up/self-destruct and thus MAKE something go bad.

That feeling of euphoric relief when the crisis happens, that thought of "thank God it's over" Oh God,... that's not healthy. I'm reinforcing myself, this is the sound of B.F. Skinner orgasming.
The worst part is, I don't know if I'm out of it yet, being aware of it only helps me beat myself up more when I get into those behaviors/beliefs.
Not only that, I'm terrified I've learned the Way of the Sick System and that I might be doing this to Kiz...

So how does one truly get free? How does one unlearn and extinguish this?

...she does a great job of describing the mentality, but the only solution mentioned seems to be to "wait around" for something to happen. She focuses on how your mentality changes after that "something" just happens, but nothing about how to make that "something" happen in the first place.

Recognizing the problem is a first step, but it's not the only step.

...although, let's be fair, Jenner, something good has happened to you. And to me, too. We can work together to make the best of it. I'll try to be patient. KF

When I was reading it, I kept thinking of 1984. A lot of the same principles go into many dystopic books and movies. It's very interesting seeing it this way, because often the overarching political or corporate concerns aren't connected with personal relationships, or better yet, we just don't see the connections.

I know some graduate schools are built on that system. And some professors here seem to live by it. I'm lucky to be able to avoid those cages... well, unless I should have fallen in one without knowing.

I hope you learn and act your way out of this system, Jenner.

Wow, someone took the time to write an article about my ex-fiance's family!

No, seriously. Describes those bastards perfectly. (Not to imply you or anyone else you know are bastards, but those people really were.) And then she was so brainwashed that when I tried to show her how crazy it all was, she dumped me.

Oh well, best of luck! In retrospect, patience, logic, and the desire and willingness to slowly change things are key.

Vyse of Arcadia wrote:Wow, someone took the time to write an article about my ex-fiance's family!

No, seriously. Describes those bastards perfectly. (Not to imply you or anyone else you know are bastards, but those people really were.) And then she was so brainwashed that when I tried to show her how crazy it all was, she dumped me.

Oh well, best of luck! In retrospect, patience, logic, and the desire and willingness to slowly change things are key.

Humans as a species prefer consistency, and fear change. The republicans rely on that every election.

My fear of change was a major hurdle between Kizyr and I. It is something I fight every day. The more I change, the better I get at changing.

Funny, a lot of this kind of reminds me of myself and my boss. Especially the intermittent rewards and keeping real rewards distant. The whole "pellet button" analogy really hit close to home as well. I'm in a state where I'm constantly hammering that thing. He has me pinned.

Kizyr wrote:...although, let's be fair, Jenner, something good has happened to you. And to me, too. We can work together to make the best of it. I'll try to be patient. KF

Don't make me turn the hose on you two.





oh god I'm so alone

ilovemyguitar wrote:

Kizyr wrote:...although, let's be fair, Jenner, something good has happened to you. And to me, too. We can work together to make the best of it. I'll try to be patient. KF

Don't make me turn the hose on you two.





oh god I'm so alone

Ohhh but it sounded so sweet. =)