Help me help a friend (with advice)

[phyco126]

Okay, so this is an odd situation I guess. I have a friend who goes to the gym regularly. He met a girl there, who worked there, and they got along pretty well. They never saw each other outside of the gym, however, and he doesn't know her last name. But she was fairly friendly with him, sometimes going out of her way to talk to him when he came in.

Now, he wanted to ask her out, but she ended up quitting her job before he could do so. So he was pretty depressed about missing his chance. Now, however, another one of his friends suggested that he ask another staff member her last name (since he talks with all the staff), and friend her on Facebook once he gets her full name. While he likes the concept, he refuses to do so because he thinks that could be creepy. I can see it going both ways, myself, so I told him I would ask people with more experience in the matter than me. So, what do you guys think?

[Wizard27]

As the one friend suggests and if this friend of yours is friendly with all the staff, then he should ask for the last name of the girl he likes. As creepy as it sounds to him, it is not that creepy as it sounds by no means. Tell him to go for it and see what happens.

[Erroneous]

phyco, you go find your girlfriend by any means and tell her you love her, don't be shy like this "i have a friend", who you kiddin?

[Imperial Knight]

Seems to me there's more potential upside than downside. Pretty much the worst-case scenario is she doesn't accept the friend invite.

[Kizyr]

phyco, you go find your girlfriend by any means and tell her you love her, don't be shy like this "i have a friend", who you kiddin?

Seriously, phyco. You're not fooling anybody.

Go ahead and ask her last name and friend her. If she doesn't add you then, well, you have your answer (no harm done). If she does then, great, you got a way to talk with her. KF

[phyco126]

phyco, you go find your girlfriend by any means and tell her you love her, don't be shy like this "i have a friend", who you kiddin?

Seriously, phyco. You're not fooling anybody.

Go ahead and ask her last name and friend her. If she doesn't add you then, well, you have your answer (no harm done). If she does then, great, you got a way to talk with her. KF

lol. Hey now, I've been pretty pathetic before, but I've never been at this level. If it was me, I'd just say it was me .

But the problem is that my friend doesn't see her anymore. So the only way to contact her is to get her last name from someone else, then look her up. Since their relationship was somewhere between acquaintance and semi-close acquaintance (towards friendship), he just wasn't sure.

[Kaiya-Sky]

When i First met my Boyfriend he came over to my house with my cousin and her Husband and they stayed the night, we hardly talked, we just gave each other looks and sat next to each other on the couch. Then when they went back home, i told my cousin i though he was cute, so she told him to add me on Facebook, He though it would be weird since we didn't really talk or anything, but he ended up doing it anyways, we spend about 2 days sending messages to each other over Facebook, then started talking for hours over msn, 3 weeks later he was driving 6 hours to come and get me 15 months later and we haven't spend a day apart since.

So it could work out if he gets her last name and looks her up, and if it doesn't and she thinks its creepy and weird what does it matter, he took a chance, and he might never see her again anyways.

[Alunissage]

I don't use these newfangled social networking thingummies myself... in part because my high school ex found me on Facebook and left me a message, so I haven't logged in since. (The last time I communicated to him I told him I'd call the police if he ever contacted me again, and why he'd think this would expire after a mere 15 or 20 years I cannot imagine.) So... I can't say what the norm is. But with that background in mind, I think I'd be on the 'creepy' side of the fence regarding the suggested course of action. The safer thing to do would be for your friend to ask the woman's former coworker to pass his own contact information on to her (or just his Facebook name, I guess, so she could look at a profile and see if she recognized him), and let HER decide whether she wants to contact him. Of course, said coworker might say "Nah, I don't know her current contact info [or don't want to make the effort], but her last name is..." and then your friend could proceed with plan A, perhaps sending her a message to the effect of "I asked your coworker ABC to pass on a message, but s/he just gave me your name instead" so it's clear that the creepy information-gathering wasn't intentional.

But as I said, I'm not in touch with current norms on this. On the one hand, people seem to give out their contact info more carelessly than they used to; on the other hand, stalking is a lot easier and raises justifiable paranoia. No way to know which side of the comfort level divide this woman falls on.

[Imperial Knight]

Honestly I think most people nowadays are pretty casual with Facebook friends and such. Speaking only for myself, I'll pretty much always accept a friend request unless (1) there's some reason why I don't want to be in contact with this person (this has never actually happened to me but it has to some friends of mine) or (2) I literally have no idea who the person is and there's no reason I can see why I would know them (like, say, common friends). Honestly, I think most people get enough friend requests from casual acquaintances that they wouldn't really see a friend request as creepy, even if they choose not to accept it, unless it was from someone they didn't want to talk to under any circumstances (like a creepy ex).

[phyco126]

Keep it coming guys, I'm passing this all on to him.

Alun, that is kind of the way he feels. I'll tell him about your recommendations though, as he might like that way better.

I have noticed a difference in generational norms when it comes to this stuff. Older women, such as those 50 years or older, are more inclined to see this as perfectly normal and in no way creepy. The younger the woman, I've noticed the creepier they find things. Facebook, on the other hand, is mixed with the younger generation. As its been said, they are more willing to give out information and friend acceptances than older generations.

[Sonic#]

Can he send her a message without friending her?

There was a point when I was in college where I would read random profiles on my network, trying to, you know, meet people. At one point, I had a few message exchanges going, including one with a woman I thought I might date, but wanted to get to know better. We eventually stopped messaging, and I never friended her, but I don't think either of us came away from it feeling weird. It was 2005.

So, going by my own outdated mode of networking, it could be a bit odd or peculiar to friend, but it does give her the control of accepting or not. And a message gives more control, in the sense that it doesn't presume a connection but offers the possibility for one.

[phyco126]

Thanks Sonic#, I'll tell him about that option.

[Monde Luna]

I don't think this is a creepy situation since they did talk on the reg, especially since he talks to the staff reguarly then he isn't really going out of his way to get the info. As a female I wouldn't be creeped out by this. It's worth a shot he really doesn't have anything to lose. Sending her a fb message w/o friending her is also a very good idea, that was a good suggestion Sonic#.