Surprise Guest Deathmatch
JG- This is Johny Gomez and welcome to tonights surprise guest match! Where even we don’t know what the hell is going on! Not like we usually do anyways though…
ND- And I’m Nick Diamond and your right Johny, we will randomly choose 2 teams. 1 team from the audience and 1 wildcard team.
JG- What the hell is a wildcard team?
ND- I have no idea, just ignore it and read your lines.
JG- Whatever, first off we do have another guest announcer who will join us tonight.
ND- We sure do have a lot of those know don’t we?
JG- Yeah, it’s supposed to add life to the show or something… I honestly think it’s stupid to… AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
????- (Suddenly JG starts rolling on the floor in agony.) It’s not nice to talk about your creator that way.
JG- (Getting up off the floor.) WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? WHO did that?!
ND- I’m going to guess that’s our guest announcer, and that you pissed him off really bad.
JG- Crap… All right who or what is it this time?
ND- Tonights announcer is the ruler of life and death, the god of shadow and light, the man death can’t handle… THE REAPER OF SOULS!!!
JG- Holy crap… think that title was long enough?
(As he finishes the sentence all the lights die plunging them into complete darkness. Then the temperature also dropped to below freezing.)
JG- What the hell is happening?! It’s pitch black and feels like we’re inside a big freezer.
(Screaming and moaning starts to break out all over the stadium, and misty white shapes seem to appear and disappear.)
ND- Okay, I’m with you this time, this is really creepy.
(Suddenly a giant wall of fire appears in the announcers box, it begins to spin at an insane speed. Suddenly something started to exit the fire portal.)
JG- Well it’s about time!
ND- You got to admit that was a tight entrance though…
(Two zombies leave the portal and carrying a giant chair of bones with the Reaper sitting on it. The zombies put the chair down, then bow and go back into the portal which quickly shuts after them. Bringing everything else back to normal.)
JG- Yeah… That was an impressive entrance alright.
Reaper- Thanks, maybe I won’t send you to hell know.
JG- …………………… (coughs)…………………………..huh?!
ND- Okay, so would you like to choose the team from the audience Reaper?
R- Yes, I have put every seat in the stadium in a skull an…
JG- Hold up! Don’t you mean a hat, not a skull?
R- Do I look like I wear hats, NO! I’m stuck in this cloak with the hood so it’s hard to see my face. So this skull was the closest thing to it I had.
Skull- I’m also his financial adviser.
JG- …………………..
ND- ………………….
R- Yeah, and how many times do I have to make the stock market crash to recoup from the losses.
JG- ………(coughs)………………………?!
ND- ………………………?!
R- What’s the matter with you two?
Skull- Yeah, haven’t you seen a talking skull before? You know my brother Murry was on some game called the Curse of Monkey Island, mom was so proud of him. He got to be the big shot in the family, but did they ever pay attention to me?! NOOOOO!
R- Okay… but this is no time for some stupid problem you have with your brother.
Skull- Mom didn’t even call me on my birthday! Said she was too busy helping MURRY get ready for something. He’s in all the big stuff! AND WHAT AM I DOING!? WORKING FOR A DEAD GUY!!!!
R- Oh for the love of God…Okay stop that right know or I’m dropping you into the deepest pit of hell I can find.
Skull- Humph (Spits out 4 bright red pieces of paper.)
R- And the audience fighters for tonight (looks at the papers in confusion for a moment) are all in section 1, row 1, seats 1,2,3, and 4!? (Starts to glare at the skull.)
Skull- I’m sorry but I’m under a lot of stress right know.
(Spotlight falls on a bunch of kids sitting in the four seats.)
Stan- What the hell are they talking about!?
Cartman- Oh -Dragon Diamond-!
Kenny- Mphm mphm mphm!
Kyle- Holy crap! We can’t fight in that! We’ll be killed in a second!
Cartman- I knew these damn seats where to good to be true!
R- You will fight, you have no choice. Besides I’ve been keeping track of you and I can honestly say that you won’t be missed.
Cartman- You! Go to hell!
R- Shut up fat ass, I’ve already been to hell, I have to go for business trips sometimes. Have my own place down their and everything.
Cartman- You piece of crap!
R- Yeah! That’s why your mamma is on the cover of crack hoer magazine!
ND- There is only two ways out of this. One, you have to die or two, you must defeat four powerful warriors… I think.
Kyle- That’s the dumbest piece of crap I’ve ever heard in my life, and I hang around with Cartman.
Cartman- You son of a -Borgan-!
Kenny- Mphm mphm mphm?
Stan- Yeah, we can win this… Who are we fighting?
R- Yeah, about that… I will now choose the apposing team. (Pulls a large deck of cards out of an inner pocket.) Those cards contain info on all videogame, manga, T.V., book, and cartoon characters. The four cards I choose will be your opponents.
Kenny- Mphm mphm mphm?!
Kyle- Yeah, we have to fight trading cards?
R- Not exactly… (Pulls the top card off the deck and throws it into the ring. Suddenly Crash Bandicoot appears. Reaper waves his hand and the form disappears leaving a card behind.) These cards will turn into who ever is on the card. So if you would shuffle the cards Nick we’ll begin.
Skull- C’mon! You never let me shuffle the cards!
JG- Maybe that’s because you have no hands.
Skull- Shut up! I may be a skull but I’m a lot smarter then you.
JG- (Cracks his knuckles) That’s big talk for someone without a body.
ND- I’m done shuffling so lets get this rolling.
Cartman- Yeah! Hurry up you lazy bastards!
Skull- Wait your turn, someone will be down to kill you shortly.
R- (Takes the top card off the top of the deck and smiles evilly.) First to fight on the wild card team is Angelis from the T.V. show Angel!
(Reaper throws the card so that it lands in the ring and the vampire suddenly appeared.)
Angelis- Fresh victims, ready to be sucked dry! ( He lunges for them but a barrier of light stops him.)
Reaper- Whoa! Can’t eat them yet, you have to wait for the rest of your team first.
Angelis- Whatever, but I’ll kill them, then my team, and then you.
R- You’re welcomed to try, but here’s our second contender. (Looks at the card but distaste is written all over his face.) Ha man… Can’t believe it.
(The card lands in the ring and turns into Mystere.)
JG- Oh God…
ND- Yeah…
(The light barrier forms a dome around Angelis.)
Reaper- Just in case… (Pulls the 3rd card off the top of the deck.) This is an interesting choice…
(The card floats down into the ring and changes into Link from Zelda.)
ND- Wow, never thought I’d see such an old character on this show.
Link- ……………………..
JG- Dude, I think he just insulted your mother.
ND- What?! How can you tell?
JG- I don’t know, but I feel like I’ve seen this before.
L- ………………………
ND- Doesn’t that guy from Lunar Silver star talk like that?
L- …………………….!?
JG- You mean like Ghaleon? (Purple lightning hits him.) Ouch… okay, I guess I’m wrong.
R- (Shaking his head slowly) You’re both idiots, it’s Alex from Lunar SSS. (Pulls a card out of the deck showing Alex’s picture. But a breeze blows it out of his hand and into the ring.) Oh crap, this isn’t going to end well.
ND- What are you talking about, what’s so bad about it?
( Card changes into Alex who looks at Link.)
Alex- …………………..
Link- ……………………………
Alex- ………………………………..?!
Link- ………………………………………………!?!
Alex- ………………… -Borgan-! (Pulls out Althenas sword and lunges at Link.)
Link- …………………..F#@*&R (Takes out the Master Sword and also lunges.)
ND- Whoa! I have no idea what the conversation was about but not only are they talking, they’re kicking ass!
Cartman- Yeahhhhhhhh! This is what I came to see baby!
Kenny- Mphm mphm mphm?
Stan- Yeah we have to fight that guy in green, but what about the other?
JG- Is that going to be the fourth person on the wild card team?
Reaper- No, so I should end this now. (Waves his hand and Alex disappears.) Opponent number four is… (looks at the card) WHAT THE…? (Shakes his head but throws the card into the ring anyways.) >mumbles< This is what I get for using a wildcard team…
(The card lands in the ring and slowly changes into Homer Simpson.)
Mills Lane- Now that both teams are present lets get this fight started!
Cartman- Screw you! (Pulls out a bag of cheesy poofs.)
Kenny- Mphm mphm mphm?
Kyle- Yeah don’t we get any weapons?
R- Sure, it just makes it more interesting for me. (Waves his hand and a spear and 3 swords fall into the ring.)
Ike- (Jumps into the ring) Ike want to fight too!
Kyle- Go home Ike! I don’t want to die with you near me.
R- Take my advice kid, you REALLY don’t want to die like they’re about to.
Ike- But Ike has a weapon too! (Pulls out a splintered piece of wood.)
Stan- What the hell is that from?
R- It doesn’t matter, the fight started and you’re all valid.
HS- What? I don’t want to fight. Aaaaaaaaahhhhh I need a beer really bad an… ooooooh! Cheesy poofs!
Cartman- Back off fat ass! Get your own damn cheesy poofs!
HS- WHY YOU LITTLE!
JG- Wow, Homer is strangling the crap out of Cartman, but the rest of them are just watching it.
Mystere- I can’t fight innocent children no matter how foul the language they use and blahblahblahblahblahblahblah…
Stan- Oh good sweet God make it stop!
(Stan and Kyle rush Mystere while Ike runs in circles, and Kenny is still trying to free the spear which has the head embedded in the mat.)
Angelis- I don’t know how stupid you all are, but I kind of need to be free to fight.
Reaper- Oops, almost forgot about you… (Snaps his fingers and the barrier vanishes.)
A- Finally. (Goes into vampire mode.) Now I’ll eat you first! (Runs straight at Link. But trips over Ike and falls on the piece of wood and disappears.)
ND- Didn’t see that coming at all.
Ike- Ike killed monster! Ike killed monster!
JG- He just dusted one of the most powerful vampires in existence, what the HELL is right in this situation?!
R- Don’t worry about it, that wasn’t the real Angelis of course. That was just a copy that is stuck inside the card.
ND- Looks like Leo has his hands full with Kyle and Stan at the moment himself.
Mystere- Leo? I’m not able to take such a noble name.
JG- C’mon man, we’ve been over this. Everyone knows who you are, that mask isn’t hiding anything. I mean, even Lucia knows it’s you for Gods sake.
Lucia- (Stands up in the crowd.) It’s true, it never fooled even me for a second… I think…
Hiro- Damn, this is going to take a long time to fix.
Mystere- (Turns to look at the announcer box.) Why can’t people just get off my back! I had to take classes for months to learn how to live with a second ego and…
(Suddenly Stan cuts off Mysteres head.)
Stan- YES! I ended the torture!
JG- If only, he’ll be back eventually, like always.
Reaper- True, hell can’t even keep down the real Leo on a good day. Well this has been full of surprises, it’s two to four now.
HS- GIVE…. ME…. CHEESY POOFS!
Cartman- Screw you fatass!
Stan- Yeah you fat bald loser!
HS- Huh? I’m not bald, my hair is just thinning a little.
Cartman- Like hell it is lard ass.
HS- Doh! I can prove to you that I’m not bald.
(Suddenly the spotlight points down directly on his head causing a brilliant white light to shine out.)
Audience- (Start yelling and pointing.) BALD! BALD! BALD! (Some start to roll around on the floor in agony.)
Audience member 1- Oh god make it stop! The light is killing me!
Audience member 2- MY EYES! IT’S BURNING MY EYES!
Skull- I don’t even reflect light that much.
ND- Now that is some bright ass light. Wonder why it’s not killing us?
Reaper- I would rather not have us liquefied like in that Indiana Jones movie, it’s just really messy. So I set up a protective shadow barrier for us.
ND- What about the rest of the audience?
R- I salute them and wish them the best of luck.
JG- That’s all you’re going to do?
R- You just don’t know when to shut up do you?
JG- Well sometimes when I’… AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! (Starts to roll around on the floor.) MY EYES! IT BURNS!
Cartman- Holy -Dragon Diamond- is that bright! Can’t someone turn it off?!
R- (Shades his eyes and looks in the direction of the light.) From the looks of it I would have to say that the light man in charge is dead, extra crispy to be exact.
JG- MY EYES! IT BURNS SO MUCH!
Kenny- Mphm mphm mphm!
(Kenny throws the spear and it flies away and impales HS in the chest causing the light to fade.)
Kenny- Mphm mphm!
Kyle- Holy crap he did it!
JG- (Getting back up into his chair.) What did I miss?
ND- Homer just got his ass killed.
JG- Damn, the only one left is Link!
Link- …………(Pulls out the Bigaron sword and starts to swing at Kenny.)
Kyle- Time to kick the baby!
Ike- Don’t kick the baby…
Stan- Kick the baby.
(Kyle kicks Ike who flies into Link knocking him out cold seconds before he finished off Kenny.)
ML- The winners of tonight’s deathmatch is the audience team!
Stan- Holy -Dragon Diamond-! We actually won!
Reaper- This is the biggest disappointment since Godfather 3.
Kenny- Mphm mphm mphm!
Stan- Yeah, Kenny’s still alive even.
R- Well that I just can’t allow. (Reaches into a shadow and pulls out a giant gold scythe. Then he throws it at Kenny and destroys the stands right behind Kenny.)
Stan- HA! You missed him by a mile!
R- Ya think so huh?
(Suddenly Kenny starts to split in half right down the middle.)
Kyle- You killed Kenny!
Cartman- You bastard!
R- Well the rest of you won, so you’re free to go, and don’t come back. (Looks at watch.) Oh crap! I got to do an info-mercial in 5 minutes!
JG- So I’m not going to hell right?
R- Hell… (Suddenly he disappears in a flash of light.)
JG- WAIT, you didn’t answer the question!
ND- I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Well good fight and good night!
JG- Yeah, whatever…
(There is a complete silence for a couple of moments.)
Skull- So… which one of you is driving me home. I would get on a bus but I have no legs, and no bus can reach the nether world.
ND- ……………………
JG- …………………..I’ll do it, I need to talk to Reaper, where is the place?
Skull- In hell.
JG- Damn!! I am going to hell! I don’t want this to be the…
END.
So if people think that would be a better idea just tell me right away and it will be done!