Me summarizing TSS to my niece.

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Me summarizing TSS to my niece.

Post by Jenner »

Warning: My niece and I are crass and inappropriate. We talk about how, in hindsight, what Ghaleon does in this game is really creepy and problematic and has some really unfortunate implications. It's implied he was indecent and we acknowledge teenagers have sex. If any of that might trigger you, move along.

Me: Ghaleon was a bit of a surprise in 1997. Before the evil bishonuen trope became a thing.
Me: You've played enough games where the pretty boy is totally evil that it's not remarkable or novel.
Her: Uh, I guess.
Me: But Alex's parents and NPCs all talk about Ghaleon with a lot of respect and admiration. He's one of the Four Heroes and a certified Good Guy.
Her: You might be right but I seem to remember him being something of a jerk.
Me: I thought he was charming and handsome at the age of 16. If he becomes kind of a pretentious and elitist jackass that's 100% SSH
Me: In TSS and SSSC he's very warm and down to earth. He's personable. He takes an interest in you and the only hint he is anything less than sincere and perhaps sinister is he might do the evil (hm hm hm) laugh pre-reveal.
Her: lol
Me: I don't recall him doing so. But it has been YEARS. So he might.
Her: I think it's been years since I played it too.
[Preamble over]

Me: He sends you off to kick the -Dragon Diamond- out of some loser who's locked himself in a cave with a bunch of dinosaurs and is pretending to be Dragonmaster.
Me: Just all, "ugh, posers."
Me: (This is me Jennering it up. He's not like that at all. Just, "Man that dude in the cave full of dinosaurs is kind of an -Albino Baboon-. Can you go talk some sense into him?"
Me: I would do it but I'm so powerful and important he might get super militant and sovereign citizen shooty. But a couple of kids? He might entertain that.)
Her: >.>
Me: Anyway you kick that dude's butt and come back and Ghaleon's like, "It's really unfortunate that he couldn't be reasoned with and that you had to light him on fire and kill all his dinosaurs."
Her: <.<
Me: Then he's like, "But you've seen the White Dragon? My boy Quark! It's been awhile. He sealed himself off from society after my BFF Dyne -Fatal Hopper- killed himself fighting the Black Dragon.
Me: Aaah, good times. We should catch up. Can you take me to him?"
Me: So you do. Along the way he waxes nostalgic about the old days. Back when he was adventuring with Dyne. Aaaah those were the days.
Me: As you get closer to Quark's cave he gets a bit more resentful and poisonous. "Stupid -Fatal Hopper- dragons and stupid -Fatal Hopper- Athena. My BFF is dead because of those huge -Albino Baboon-. Grrrr. This is why we can't have nice things.
Me: As you ascend towards Quark he's all, "-Fatal Hopper- Althena doesn't even know how to do her goddamn job. I could do so much -Fatal Hopper- better. She should give me the -Fatal Hopper- keys."
Me: And then you're like, hmm... Ghaleon you seem quite upset about this.
Me: That's a mighty huge chip on your shoulder.
Me: But thou must present the angry ranting man to the nice elderly dragon. I'm sure it will be fine. They will have a nice talk about hurt feelings. There will be reminiscing and crying. They will hug it out. This is how healing is done.
Me: Woops he flipped out and killed him and ran cackling off into the night.
Her: Well -Dragon Diamond-.
Me: Quark's all, "Alex I'm dying and the moment I'm dead Althena is -Fatal Hopper-. The only way to protect her is to become a Dragonmaster. Go to the other dragons and get the gear. RIP ME."
Her: Haha.
Me: Anyway you go to um... I think the blue dragon first? Yeah. And when you get there the Blue Dragon is already dead because Ghaleon is a step ahead of you the whole time.
Her: :|
Her: Unrealistic that an old man moves so fast
Her: muh immersiob
Me: Magic I guess? Regardless, you get the gear. Then to the Red Dragon and they're dead too. Welp. Um. Thanks for the shield I guess.
Me: Then you gotta get the armor from the Black Dragon who, I remind you, went batshit and was murder suicided.
Her: :|
Me: So you go to the Frontier.
What is the Frontier?
TL;DR: Once upon a time some folks (called the Vile Tribe) did some garbage that royally pissed off Althena. So she sealed them off on the other side of Lunar and turned her light away from them leaving them to SUFFER.
Her: Dayum
Me: Anyway the Black Dragon is out there so you go into their cave and SURPRISE the Black Dragon is not dead. They are UNDEAD AND MAD AS HELL.
Me: So you kill the Black Dragon, for real and for good this time because you're a professional.
Her: lol
Me: Don't outsource your Dragon killing folks.
Her: fr realz
Me: Anyway, Ghaleon sarcastically applauds you, "Nice job idiot. You just killed the only thing left that could make you a Dragonmaster. With all the dragons dead, you ain't -Dragon Diamond-. Hahaha eat -Dragon Diamond-."
Her: lol
Me: And then he goes hog wild with his mother -Fatal Hopper- castle on tank treads because What Would Jesus Do?
Me: Also his minion kidnaps your girlfriend and she's actually the goddess in human form. Who'da thunk it? Gratz on dating God.
Her: lol
Her: Grats on dating god
Her: nice
Me: Oh she's brainwashed and evil now. Nbd.
Her: She's god tho.
Her: plot hole.
Me: It's complicated. Oh and in addition to that she's also dressed really revealingly even though she's like 14.
Me: Look don't think about it okay.
Her: lol
Her: I'm just being an ass.
Me: Ghaleon assures you he is not a pervert. It's just evil has a look okay?!
Her: He's already gone full evil
Her: Why bother?
Me: It's the principle!!! Someone has got to go about this the *right way* Kate!!
Me: He's a professional!
Her: oh yeah
Her: That's by killing all the dragons and perving on a teenaged girl
Her: K.
Me: Woah. No teenagers were perved on.
Her: Plz
Her: "Slutty clothes"?
Me: Have you seen the way kids dress today?! Her outfit is actually /tasteful/ by those standards.
Her: That's
Her: Still
Her: Pretty
Her: Damn
Her: Pervy
Me: :cry: I know.
Her: Such a rude man.
Me: Yes but he's a megalomaniac not a pervert.
Her: He kidnapped a teenage girl, that's something pervert predators do.
Me: Only because she was God!
Me: If Althena had manifested as a dog he would have kidnapped the dog instead.
Me: It's not his fault Althena chose to be a teenage girl and made it weird.
Her: Yes, it was Althena's body choice that made his diabolical dreams of enslaving god and ruling the world weird.
Me: /Exactly./
Me: Anyway. She can get brainwashed and enslaved because the Dragons are dead.
Her: Sounds legit.
Me: Also she has God Lasers so we're just gonna blow the magical floating city out of the sky now because -Fatal Hopper- you.
Me: (His reasons are much more complicated and nuanced than that but I'm committed to Jennering up my favorite game series now.)
Her: He put her in those clothes Jenn.
Me: Stooop, you're making it creepy!
Her: It's already pretty creepy.
Me: You're making it creepier!
Her: Okay, sorry.
Me: Thank you. You go raid the castle on tank treads (It's called The Grindery, -Fatal Hopper- badass imo.) But it's protected by Althena's power and smites you.
Me: So the weird lumberjack guy Laike shows up and he's like, "Um, actually I'm Dyne and I survived. I had to sacrifice all my magical powers to kick the Black Dragon's ass and seal it away. Anyway, if you wanna get into the Grindery and rescue your God-Girlfriend you need to go to become a Dragonmaster."
Me: And you're like, "But Laike, all the dragons are dead and everything is -Fatal Hopper-. D:"
Me: And he's like, "Nuh uh, dumbass. You just haven't gotten all the equipment yet! Now get yourself a flying balloon from the stinky scientist guy and go get the badass sword before Ghaleon God Lasers anything else. 'Cause he's gonna."
Her: Or dresses anyone else up.
Me: Ghaleon's true crime was against fashion.
Her: lol nice.
Her: What happens next?
Me: Well you do that but Laike gets turned into stone in the process. (So does Jessica's dad. It's very sad.)
Me: So you crash land at the tower and climb it and get the magic sword after being tested and yay. But um, all the dragons are still dead so how can you be Dragonmaster?
Me: Ha ha. Turns out the dragon was inside of you all along Nall is a baby white dragon.
Me: Cute smart ass mascot character being secretly important McGuffin actually coolly subversive imo.
Me: And you find a secret garden full of fairies in there and they're all, "Ghaleon is keeping us from going extinct. This is a humanizing thing for a guy who just blew a city out of the sky and drove over another city."
Her: >.>
Her: And put a slutty outfit on a teenage girl.
Me: Gosh!
Me: Mia is like, "Yeah, Ghaleon actually used to be this really kind and sweet dude. Thoughtful and -Dragon Diamond-. Now he's just so outrageously evil. It's sad."
Her: Trumps teenage girls too by walking in on them dressing and giving tips. Very hands on.
Me: Yikes, too far!
Me: So you fight his two or three phase boss fight and he's like, "Welp. I'm dead. Grats. But Althena's still -Fatal Hopper- evil man. Victory."
Her: And then you make her good again by -Fatal Hopper- HER WITH YOUR PENIS
Me: Naw. You play your harp a bunch to remind her of her life as Luna so her lightning strikes don't INSTANTLY KILL YOU. (Hope you remembered to save after beating Ghaleon, friend!)
Me: You gotta play the harp like 6 times before the lightning's damage is reduced enough.
Me: Anyway you unbrainfuck your waifu by -Fatal Hopper- her brains out or something.
Me: And yay.
Her: lol
Me: Things I skipped over in my summary:
1. You fight an Incan deity inspired monster in Mongolia because his evil curse is making all the women sick.
Me: 2. Nash steals the Blue Dragon Helmet from you and betrays you because he's a -Fatal Hopper- coward.
Me: 3. Kyle cross dresses to get you past a border crossing.
Her: Awesome.
Me: Yeah, it's a really good game. It was phenomenal for its time. Now its tropes have been done to death but this was when jrpgs and anime were still relatively new to the USA.
Me: So it was pretty -Fatal Hopper- groundbreaking.
Me: Game of the Year.
The Infamous Jenner!
Maker of Lists.
RIP Coley...
still adore you Kiz.

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Re: Me summarizing TSS to my niece.

Post by Alunissage »

I'm going to resist (for now, at least) correcting all the minor inaccuracies and just say that Jennering is a highly-evocative verb. =D

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Re: Me summarizing TSS to my niece.

Post by Erroneous »

Ah, forum word censors, makes a great story into a Mad Libs game with funny results.

Like -Dragon Diamond- and -Fatal Hopper-
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Re: Me summarizing TSS to my niece.

Post by Sonic# »

I think it's possible to think of Ghaleon as the main villain in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

"Than seyde Merlion, "Whethir lyke ye bettir the swerde othir the scawberde?" "I lyke bettir the swerde," seyde Arthure. "Ye ar the more unwyse, for the scawberde ys worth ten of the swerde; for whyles ye have the scawberde uppon you, ye shall lose no blood, be ye never so sore wounded. Therefore kepe well the scawberde allweyes with you." --- Le Morte Darthur, Sir Thomas Malory

"Just as you touch the energy of every life form you meet, so, too, will will their energy strengthen you. Fail to live up to your potential, and you will never win. " --- The Old Man at the End of Time

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Re: Me summarizing TSS to my niece.

Post by Jenner »

Alunissage wrote:I'm going to resist (for now, at least) correcting all the minor inaccuracies and just say that Jennering is a highly-evocative verb. =D
It has been so long since I played the game! I remembered it pretty well, all things considered! But you can correct me any time.
The Infamous Jenner!
Maker of Lists.
RIP Coley...
still adore you Kiz.

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